By Funsho Olamigoke
Families ALIVE International
Phone: +234 803 705 4877
EMAIL: funsho@familiesalive.net
Web: www.familiesalive.net

Preambles
Things happen in life that sometimes gets us offended and very angry at other people. It could be so bad we rule out ‘ever’ forgiving that other party. Beyond forgiving other people for something they have done to us is the fact there are also times we have done things either to ourselves or other people that we feel bad about, sometimes bad enough they keep us from striving, excelling or moving on with life. In a nutshell, the grievance could be towards other people or towards self. This work looks at some actions that call for forgiveness, to someone else and to self, then suggests ways of ridding one of counter-productive attitudes paving the way for forgiveness to heal our relationships and move on with our lives.

Should the offender ask first?
We often think of forgiveness as something that someone who has offended us must ask of us. Not necessarily. Would be great certainly, but doesn't work that way most times. On the other hand, the greatest challenge most of us face in our lives is swallowing our pride and admitting that we are wrong. It's tough duty to summon the courage to admit to others - and to God - that we fall short of our best intentions, that we sometimes make a mess of things.

People are proud and stubborn, but God is just and full of loving-kindness.
Forgiveness breaks the cycle of hatred, resentment, anger and pain that are often passed on to those around us. Forgiveness is the key to your own happiness. Robert Enright, a developmental psychologist at the University of Wisconsin defines forgiveness as "giving up the resentment to which you are entitled and offering to the person who hurt you friendlier attitudes to which they are not entitled." The desire to forgive requires courage and commitment, and the rewards are profound as relationships that otherwise were previously ruled out could mend, thereby providing an opportunity to live a more productive and fulfilling life. We all live today in a world full of crisis, where people are unduly put under untold hardship and pressures. These vary from culture to culture and from race to race, but the facts and consequences of these pressures are the same. Inevitably, it has become a lot easier to breed dissension and discord in the society without even trying very hard. In any situation of conflict, it doesn’t matter whether you are right or wrong, if you hold resentment, bitterness or anger towards another, then you are not doing well, not just to that person, but also to yourself.

This is not limited to individuals alone; same applies to groups or bodies of people. World over, Churches and Missions have had massive splits because of unresolved disagreements. The Bible is full of examples of how anger, an act of unforgiveness affects our prayers and service, to mankind and to our God. We are looking at two of such: Matthew 5: 22-25 and I Peter 3:7

Actions that Call for Forgiveness
Apparently, we all have a story of hurt to tell no matter how insignificant, yet we have to forgive. Purse for a moment and memories start flooding back, yet we have to forgive. You wonder how you can forgive someone who has put so much pain into your life that your life will never be the same again. For your own sake, you can. There is nothing so bad that cannot be forgiven. Nothing!

Bitterness at Oneself (The ‘A’ Reference Stories)
Here, I crave to tell the stories of two different people to demonstrate the classless nature of the issue at hand. First is the case of a young man, about 20 at the time and best known to have been a Bus conductor with very little education; and at the other extreme was a Medical Doctor. Both men had done things in their lives that made them hate themselves so much anyone would be sorry for them.

The conductor confessed he was a thief and what broke his heart most wasn’t the fact he had hurt people in the process of stealing but that he had no need for most of the things he ever stole. He confessed he was so good at it he recorded 99.99% success but right after each exploit and once in safety, he had broken down crying asking God why he was so created. Once sober, he would promise himself never to return, but that would only last till he became tempted again, a very responsive attitude. His case was so bad he narrated how badly restless he became if he found and passed an empty, worthless “pure water” bag on the street until he picked it. In his confession room and with the free flow of tears, there is no question that this young man hated himself for what he’d done by way of responsiveness to stealing.

The Med
An otherwise very brilliant medical student was in medical school over 10 years as against the normal duration of max. 7. His vice was the liquor; he craved for it to an unbelievable and ridiculous level. It was bad enough that as a student, he had drinking problems, what distinguished him from other similar cases isn’t what he did once drunk as in what he did while still sober. That actually made him angry with himself.

The gentleman told his story after finally graduating from medical school and having further specialized in “brain surgery”. After years of stagnancy with all his course mates already practicing on the field, he met the Lord and became a changed person. However, many years on, he found it an impossible thing to get over all the embarrassment he caused himself by his extra-crave for liquor, even when sober. His problem was the effect of just a thought of or the sight of a beer bottle for example, he would go crashing with panic and hungry desire for a drink. If he was visiting and he wasn’t offered on time, he was sure to help himself irrespective of his relationship to the guest. His physical nervousness would only subside after a gulp of the drink. The time came in college that he was no longer satisfied with beer and he had to go for the harder stuff such as Gin and he also was a common sight at odd places on the streets of the Campus once drunk. His system had become over-dependent on liquor.

Story B
This story reference is of Melissa, a married young woman, big sister of Mike who was killed in a car crash driven by his best friend, Jeremy. His offense isn’t that Jeremy, a teenager like Mike was a bad driver, but he drove drunk. Unfortunately, his pal, Mike died in the crash while he, the drunk driver survived. Unquestionably, the world around Mike’s family, including big sister Melissa devastatingly crashed. Most naturally, they became bitter towards Jeremy and his family that immediately hired a lawyer to defend him against the State.

Here, there is the need to forgive someone, Jeremy who seemed to have caused the death of a loved one of Melissa. Reacting to this, Melissa said: “After I got my thoughts together, I wanted to heal and I could not stand disliking someone as much as I did Mike’s friend right after the crash.” Melissa then went to God in prayers asking him for help in forgiving and healing. With prayers and the sincerity to truly forgive and heal, God revealed Himself to Melissa. The bitterness towards Mike’s friend, Jeremy started to dissipate, and at the first opportunity, Melissa told Jeremy he was forgiven. Hear her:

“I know that if it had been Mike who lived, and not you, that night, I could have wanted Mike to be forgiven, and would have wanted him to change his life and come out of jail a better person.

“I believe”, said Melissa, “that Jeremy knew in his heart that I really forgave him and he thanked me for seeing all sides of everyone’s story. Jeremy wrote to thank my husband and I for our forgiveness. He told us how he had been laying in jail and praying every night for forgiveness. He said he was sure his dead friend, Mike had also forgiven him.” Melissa couldn’t agree any less.

The beauty of it all today is Melissa has become an apostle in the gospel of Forgiveness.

Reference Stories
These are reference stories only. What are you struggling with by way of offense and forgiveness? You are not alone, and the fact is you can forgive.

A while back, someone grievously wronged me, and I was really hurt and offended by what happened. The wrong was quite serious and painful, but what hurt the more was that a friend had done it. Most naturally, it hurts more than when the ordinary person out there had done it. I guess it is the same for most people.

The Infections
Emotional wounds, like physical wounds could take time to heal. The wider and deeper the wound, the longer it takes to heal. However, while the wound is nursed, you must guard against infections setting in.

Comparable to an automobile accident, where a secondary accident can be more devastating than that of the primary, infections are of more serious concern than the primary wound. While the wound of a primary accident could be limited to a location on the body, infections can spread quickly and ravage an otherwise healthy body, thereby upsetting the healing process or stop altogether.

The infections in an emotional wound are bitterness and anger, a set of emotions that could take an instant cue from the incident. You are better off keeping the infections from starting at all. Let us look at how.

While it is almost impossible to immediately forget about a hurt, the golden rule here is NEVER DWELL on the incident. You can look back, carefully evaluating the situation to determine what responses are appropriate where necessary. Dwelling, which is a process of REWINDING and REPLAYING the tape of the incident has a damaging effect which leaves you feeling the pains all over again.

In the West, divorce counselors are people who try to help you emotionally prepare for or get over a divorce. They try to get you fall, not in love but out of love with your spouse. A very common tool is dwelling on the wrong done by your spouse. To help their clients get over whatever love is left in the relationship, they help them dwell on the wrong side of the relationship. End of day, hate and anger take the centre stage of the client for the spouse, a damaging therapy. (In the positions of divorce counselors in some cultures are friends, family members, colleagues at work, association members or friends, etc who unfortunately cannot truly feel the exact pain and anxieties of the victim)

Keeping infections at bay by not dwelling on the offense helps you concentrate on the wound which is waiting to start the process of healing. We now know that the process of healing is easier and faster without infections, bitterness and anger, two powerful emotions.

The 3 Steps to Forgiveness

(Do not dwell on the matter)

Seek the face of God asking him to walk with you. When you get from him wisdom and understanding, the journey becomes an easier one.

Just as Jesus commands, sincerely pray for your offender.
In Matt. 5: 43-48, Jesus teaches that we love our enemies, and vs. 44 particularly reads: “But I tell you, love your enemies (f) and pray for those who persecute you” (‘f’: bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you.) If you sincerely pray for your offender that he or she be blessed, you cannot remain angry and bitter towards that person.

Above all, you have to yield the right of ownership (of the offense) to the Lord Jesus Christ, who bore it all on the cross of Calvary some 2000 years ago. He paid for the sins of the world and they were all forgiven by God. The offense in your particular instance has no outstanding debt, it also was paid for.
Come to think of it, the Lord Jesus was wronged, betrayed (by his very own) and hurt more than anyone else in the world, yet he bore our sins without any grudge. If anyone one has the rights to complain or hold a grudge, then it’s Him, yet he does NOT. To be Christ-like is simply to follow His examples.

To those already consumed with bitterness and anger from a past offense, the first thing you need to do is to STOP fueling the fire. With that commitment, you then can begin with the above therapy starting with not-dwelling and followed by the 3 steps.

During this period, you should be honest with God that you lack the desire or courage to do what is right. Ask him to help you work on these. You also should ask him to help you raise emotionally stable and un-biased people to pray for you and finally that he gives you the courage to accept the truth from His throne and be able to therefore do what is right and MOVE on for the benefit of all concerned in your matter, but most of all, so the Name of the Lord may be glorified.

I like to end this bit with the lines from Proverbs 14: 9

“Fools mock at making amends for sin, but goodwill is found among the upright” NIV

How is seeking forgiveness beneficial?

When a wrong is committed, a barrier of guilt is erected. Unconfessed sin disrupts not only our relationships with others but with God as well. Forgiveness re-ignites a spirit of goodwill and harmony between individuals and reconnects our communication with God.