by Rev. Kayode Oyedeji
Senior Lecturer
LIFE Bible College
Ikorodu-Nigeria

If there is anything, above all else, that everyone, everywhere is yearning for on earth today, it is that state we call happiness. To a lot of people however, happiness is frustratingly elusive. And this is even more so in the family life. Why is this so? And what are the possible solutions?

We shall attempt to answer these and other relational questions in this series. This discussion is based upon certain assumptions. First of all, we need to understand that Principles govern human existence. Look everywhere around you and you will find these principles in operation. They are called natural laws. For Example, if you throw something up, it will come down. Secondly, these principles or laws that govern human existence are no respecter of persons. Whoever you are and whatever your position in life, as long as you are on planet earth, whatever you throw up must come down. There are those however, who have classified the world into the sacred and the secular.

The unfortunate consequence is that they tend to emphasize more of what they think is sacred or spiritual to the neglect of other equally important areas of life that have been branded secular. For instance, it is not uncommon to think that such factors as prayer, fasting and perhaps church attendance are enough forces to solve life’s problems. Hence, the disregard for other vital principles of life.

Lamenting the ignorance of His very own people about the principles governing human progress in all areas of life, God said: “My people are destroyed from lack of knowledge” (Hosea 4:6 NIV). To some of these vital principles of life therefore we now turn as we attempt to locate the secret of a Happy Home.

“Husbands, love your wives…” (Eph. 5:25 NIV). This is one of the most misunderstood passages of scripture relating to the building of a happy home. This is because most people think they understand what love is. To most, love is only a feeling you get when you feel like you are going to feel a feeling you never felt before. Love is thus confined to the realm of feelings. But is love only a feeling? Does loving depend solely or even primarily on mere feelings? I think not.

Many a marriage has hit the rocks, with its usual devastating consequences, having been built on the wrong premise that love is only a feeling. The husband, for instance, then forever waits for the right feelings to do the right thing for the happiness of the home. The reality is that such feelings don’t come and the man does not bother. Responsibilities then begin to pile up, unattended to, until the wife begins to get the feeling she is not loved. The problem here is that someone does not understand the proper meaning and the modus operandi of love.

I seem to imply earlier on that the laws of nature are equally the laws of God. This is true. Since God the Creator is a God of order, He created laws to govern and control His creation. There are no accidents. What we call an accident is nothing but a contravening – a running against the laws of God. God is perfectly in control of His Creation. It is His nature as God NEVER to lose control. The problem must be with us humans. Obedience brings us blessings. Disobedience brings chaos.

What then is the nature of true love? How does it operate? In Ephesians 5:25, which we cited earlier on, the Bible says,

No one can command the feeling of another. No one can determine how someone would feel in a particular situation. Yet the Bible here commands husbands to love their wives. Why? It is a pointer to the fact that love is more than just a feeling.

Observe the second part of this Scripture, “… Just as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her…” Love then is action. Love is a decision. Love is a choice. This means that we can choose to love, we can decide to love, and we can act in love in spite of the absence of feelings.

Imagine the love of Christ for the Church. One would have thought that it would make Him to sing gleefully to the cross to die. Did He even “feel” like going to die? We saw Him in Gethsemane pleading passionately to the Father to let the cup of that horrible, shameful death pass over him. Yet, there He was, moments later hanging on that same cross, drinking of that same cup, dying that same death.

If ever He had a feeling in the midst of this agony, it must be that of bitter hatred for those who were crucifying Him. But not so for the Son of God. Amidst the incredibly excruciating pains of that moment, He could still pray for His tormentors, “Father forgive them for they know not what they are doing”. No, love cannot depend on mere feelings.

Love must be sacrificial in its intentions and actions. Love cares and shares. Love gives and forgives in spite of the absence of feelings. For it is written, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends” (Jn. 15:13 NIV). In another statement of His, Jesus said something to the effect that, far from feeling like laying down His life, he chose to do so.

How many married men and women have not faced the reality of the fact that the honeymoon is soon over? No more kisses, no more petting, no more flowers. The husband and wife begin to take each other for granted simply because none of them “feels” like doing any of these things any longer. They no longer even, as much as say thank you to each other whenever the other person deserves it.

From this point on, the couples have their real selves to live with, for better or for worse. Except as they begin to hold the bull of this reality by the horns, things can begin to take a degenerating turn with devastating consequences.

There is no short cut to it. If the husband and wife must have a lifetime of honeymoon, they must choose to work at it in spite of the absence of the right feelings. If we all wait for the right feelings to do what we must in this world, our achievement will be few. Nothing good comes easily.

If only couples would begin to do what they ought for one another and the home without waiting for the “right feelings”, homes would be happier and society and even the world at large would be the better for it. Certainly, divorce rate would begin to decline.

Therefore, to do the right thing, at the right time, for the right reasons, in spite of the absence of the “right feelings” is one big secret of a HAPPY HOME.